I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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