I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
