Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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