Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dick very happy bro
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
