my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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