I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
