Don't you send me to vm
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
