Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize