he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I am midnight drunk by noon
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
