it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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