If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
