I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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