Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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