I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
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