so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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