You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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