Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize