We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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