just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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