The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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