with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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