1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
