i was born a porn star she said
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
