Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
