i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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