How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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