the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
