She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize