Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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