I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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