She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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