I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
