we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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