Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
