You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
