dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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