I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He better not be in your backpack
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
