This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
