I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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