You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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