I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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