All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
