My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
