I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
