Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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