I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
