There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
