Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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