There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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