i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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