i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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