Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
