I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
