He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
