They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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