she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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