I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
